Goodbye blog.

You’ve served your purpose. :)

1 year ago  /  0 notes

I know there’s a future waiting for me, with plenty of lovely, intelligent people to become acquainted with and know and love and someone strong to kiss and marry and build things with. It know it’s there because it’s all around me. Other people’s happinesses. I feel like, if I could just see mine, maybe it would stop me from sinking into black depressions every other week, hating myself for being so cynical and critical and resembling my awful relatives, with the faces of all the people I’ve shut out of my life looming like specters behind my eyelids reminders of my inadequacies, my anxieties.

I want to do something stupid and rebellious like joining the Navy, which would make my mother cry and hurt, maybe forever. Maybe the regimentation would organize my brain and I wouldn’t have to think dark, deep thoughts but be a robot and make great shows of heroism and patriotism when asked to. I would never read The Bell Jar again because it triggers my depression, or maybe I would and it wouldn’t make any sense any more, which would be nice I suppose although I think I would still like the part where she throws all of her expensive clothes one by one from the top of her hotel to watch them fly to where they will, like ugly birds.

I don’t tell people I have depression because it’s confusing for them. Because when they look at me they see a person that’s maybe a little shy but I take care of myself and look like I have lots of important goals but am too reserved to go on about them, so I’m probably just a late bloomer, socially speaking, and there’s nothing like going off to college to fix that sort of thing, in the end. It’s true, I have goals. They’re lovely. I keep them in little ornamental boxes and pass them around at dinner parties and wedding receptions. The fact of the matter is, I really don’t care about anything enough. Which is why, despite knowing that I have a bright existence somewhere at the end of the dark alley of my foreseeable future, I doubt I’ll be strong enough to make it that far. 

1 year ago  /  0 notes